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28 February 2010 @ 04:26 pm
I need your arms around me, I need to feel your touch
I need your understanding, I need your love so much
You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby, you're never there

On the phone long, long distance
Always through such strong resistance
First you say youre too busy
I wonder if you even miss me

Never there
You're never there
You're never, ever, ever, ever there

A golden bird that flies away, a candles fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game
A golden bird that flies away, a candles fickle flame
To think I held you yesterday, your love was just a game

You tell me that you love me so, you tell me that you care
But when I need you baby
Take the time to get to know me
If you want me why cant you just show me
Were always on this roller coaster
If you want me why cant you get closer?

Never there
You're never there
You're never ever ever ever there

This song reminds me so much of Alex, lol. It was basically the last few months of our relationship summed up into this song.  I used to listen to this song so much. ACK! 

Anyways, life is going better. Work tends to get my mind off so many things. Though now it's like guys are hitting on me left and right, young and old. Guys that just want sex mostly. Hahahahahaha, it's just so funny to me. They didn't give a crap about me a few months ago, now it's like "I want to relieve your stress". LOL  It's funny, but at the same time I just want everyone to leave me alone. I just want to get on with life and forget about guys. I want to get out of the house and have fun. I wonder if any friends will have me. I'd have to check to see if my friends are having any freaky parties lol. God, I can't wait until I graduate!

So....this entry was pretty random......oki, talk laters.... ^ w ^

PS: Let's go crazy and party!
Current Location: In Space
Current Mood: highhigh
Current Music: Make You Feel Better - RHCP
26 February 2010 @ 10:04 am
What do you expect to be doing ten years from today, and where do you hope to be living?

I hope to be a mother and wife. Hmmm...mother and wife at 28. Doesn't sound bad. I hope to be living with my husband and baby. I'm sure I'll be working with computers (design etc.) I don't want to live where I grew up(where I live now). It's boring here and I really want to live where no one really knows me.
26 February 2010 @ 10:03 am


I wonder if I should be in any sort of relationship. Sometimes I wonder if Alex would come back, what would that mean for me and Anthony? Would He step down? Would he fight to be with me? I don't know what I would do either. Well, taking him back is out of the question. Though I wonder what it would be like if we got back together. Nothing would be the same. My mom would hate him, as well as my whole family and friends. I would wonder if he was ever lying. 

But now Alex knows about Anthony, Kenji probably told him everything. How we were all lovey-dovey. I wish that he didn't know.  I still have love for Alex. Not in the sense where I think about him all day or want him to get back with me. I still care for him and I don't want him to get hurt. I just think of if he would come back. I still kinda want to see him again. I know that it isn't the right time. The pain is still fresh in my mind. Ehhhhhh....... > w >

I wonder also if Anthony is like his friend Joey when it comes to break-ups. I hope not. Though you are what you hang out with.
I wounder if he'll read this....hmmmmm..... 
< w <
> w >

Well, I'll post later maybe.....ehhh.. I don't know.....^ w ^
Current Location: School
Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Boa - Duvet
09 February 2010 @ 10:40 am
Sometimes I wonder if I can make it out on the other side without you. I just sit and think how different everything would be if we didn't break up. I wouldn't be laying in bed at night crying my eyes out because I don't know what to do with myself without you. I wouldn't be having panic attacks at school because I don't know what is going to become of me.

I feel like something is missing in my life. I do miss what we once had, but it is ruined now. There is no fixing anything. Though these thoughts race through my head about how a part of me still wants you, reality hits. I cannot be with a liar. Why would you lie to me about you you really were? Even after telling me that you could be yourself with me like no one else. Why would you want to hurt me like that?

Look, relationships are work. When things get hard you work on them, you try your best to make it better, you don't run away.
05 February 2010 @ 01:06 pm
Did you ever do anything in your youth that you lived to regret? Do you think you ultimately learned from it or do you wish you could go back in time and do it over?

I regret a lot of things. I wish I had control over my  temptations. Because I don't I make so many mistakes. I try my best to keep in control but my immature ways of thinking tend to come over me. I have problems saying no to things that I really want or want to do. I regret flirting around with guys when I had a boyfriend. I regret rushing in to things without thinking. Overall, I regret being childish.
Current Location: School
Current Mood: melancholymelancholy
Current Music: The Unforgiven III - Metallica
28 January 2010 @ 04:48 pm
This is how I felt about Alex. I don't feel this way anymore. But I just thought I'd post it.:

How are you feeling? I don’t know when you will receive this letter from me, or if I will even send it to you. I’m writing this at three in the morning, for I cannot sleep. Thoughts are constantly running through my head and I don’t know what to do. I feel so many emotions since I last saw you; sadness, fear, confusion, and oddly enough I sometimes feel content. I am also listening to Tell Her This by Del Amitri. I feel like crying when I hear this song because it reminds me so much of when we first met. I miss the times we had; going to the beach and looking up at the stars. I’d always play this song when we were at the beach. I miss those days so much, we were so happy and ready to give anything to be together. I would do anything for you to be happy like that again. I love you so much Alex and you’ve made me so happy throughout these two years. We did have some difficult times, times which we both share the blame. I know you feel so much pain from me and what I had put you through. I‘m so ashamed about the guy from school. I never did anything physical with him, but just knowing that we did spend time texting each other in such a way was wrong. I told you about him because I wanted to be honest with my feelings with you. It never happened again. I’m so sorry that I hurt you and I would do anything to make you feel better. I just wish that you would have told me how you were feeling instead of shoving your emotions down. If you had told me we could have worked on it. We could have worked on everything, and you know that I was always willing to try. To me nothing I did worked, but you should have told me yourself that I was calling too much. I would have worked on it if you guided me. I know that after what happened with the guy from school it killed the communication for us. You probably were so hurt that you didn’t want to have much to do with me. I wish that our communication was better. Though after talking to David and Shelby maybe our communication wasn’t even that good from the start. Apparently there was “This whole side of Alex that you don’t even know” and “I’m not surprised that he never told you about it”. What is this “whole other side” to you that I have no idea about? Does it have to do with drugs? Sex? I didn’t even know that you did ecstasy. I remember asking you honestly about what drugs you did. You replied that you only did pot, salvia, whip-its, and mushrooms. I don’t even know what to think about you when it comes to this. I feel so hurt too. I feel hurt from you, it’s like you don’t want to try with me. You just want to throw me away like nothing. You didn’t even want me there to see you at the hospital. Do you know how much it hurts? I feel so alone, I just want you to be there, is it that hard? I gave everything I had to you, all of my love and affection. Why the day before your surgery? That hurt me the most. The day where I wanted so much to be there for you was snatched away from me, it was taken so out of my control. It hurt not being able to be there for you when I knew that you needed me. I felt abandoned and left out. I feel so angry, but at the same time I still want you to hold me and tell me that everything is going to be okay.
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: blahblah
Current Music: The Scientist - Coldplay
27 January 2010 @ 10:05 am
 It seems this song tells the way I feel with my life right now.

The Scientist
Come up to meet you, tell you I'm sorry
You don't know how lovely you are

I had to find you
Tell you I need you
Tell you I've set you apart

Tell me your secrets
And ask me your questions
Oh, let's go back to the start

Running in circles
Coming up tails
Heads on the science apart

Nobody said it was easy
It's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be this hard

Oh take me back to the start

I was just guessing
At numbers and figures
Pulling the puzzles apart

Questions of science
Science and progress
Do not speak as loud as my heart

Oh tell me you love me
Come back and haunt me
Oh and I rush to the start

Running in circles
Chasing our tails
Coming back as we are

Nobody said it was easy
Oh, it's such a shame for us to part
Nobody said it was easy
No one ever said it would be so hard

I’m going back to the start
27 January 2010 @ 10:00 am
 Since me and Alex broke up lots of  guys have talked to me. I wasn't interested in any of them I mean I was going through a break up, all I wanted was a friend to talk to. Anyways I logged on to my myspace which I usually don't. I saw this guy who wanted to be my friend. He was....cute. I asked if I knew him and he said no. I figured out that he had graduated from my school a year earlier. I then recognized him. I had seen him around school, but never actually conversed with him. We talked a lot over the next couple of weeks. I sorta started to like him, not much at first but he grew on me. I gave him my cell number so we could text and talk, did we ever! We talk all day, everyday.  Unfortunately he lives in Oxnard. He lives so far away. I met him last week. He came down to my house and we chatted and spent a lot of time together. He could tell I was getting so shy around him(which I'm never shy around any guy I like!). I was so shy! He touched my leg and I turned completely red! I took some sheets lying on my couch and hid in them. He laughed at me as I hid hehe. The next day I went to work and he wanted to hang out when I got off at work. I called him after and we met at the Burger King. He had already ate, but I was hungry. I ordered my food and we sat down. We talked a lot, and he had then gotten a call from his sister saying that he needed to come back home because they were going to Orange county to see his brother-in law's parents. He was upset because he didn't want to leave. He previously told me that he wanted to kiss me next time we met. I (jokingly) told him to just kiss me before he left. I really didn't think he would do it, but he did. He stood up to leave and the it happened. He kissed me then and there. The world seemed to stop for that time. It felt like it was forever, even though it was a split second. At the same time it felt so quick. I really didn't want him to leave after that. It was also weird, it felt so normal to kiss him, almost like we had before. I've told him my feelings and vice versa. We both really like each other, but there are so many things in the way. How far he lives, my feelings towards Alex, and how neither one of us wants to get hurt or start something we can't finish. It's complicated. Regardless we both want to be together. I hope we can find a way. He's very nice and we relate in many ways. We both have shared a similar tragedy, and have the same beliefs. We do get along very well. We talk from morning to night, I like him a lot, very very much. Well that's it. I'll tell you more later lol. 
Current Location: School
Current Mood: lovedloved
Current Music: Flower - BACK-ON
 Yeah, I was so hurt. It's kind of a long story, but I have time to tell it.

               Me and Alex have been fighting a lot lately. He barely spends time with me. For awhile I was okay with it. He also tends to not call me either. One time he went two days without calling me. That really set me off, but he saw nothing of it. Anyways, we've been fighting over every little thing. he won't spend time with me or call me. that's all I was asking of him. All I wanted was his time, not all of it, but I deserved some of it. He would rather spend time with that dumb fuck Shelby(Ian, David, etc.). So last Sunday(January 3rd to be exact) we were talking, everything was going fine, really, we were laughing and happy. We hang up because he wants to get in the shower. He calls about an hour later. We chatted for a bit, then he wants to hang up because he wants to go and play video games. I really wanted to talk to him, but he's rather go play games. I beg for him to talk with me, but he refuses. I finally get so mad I tell him "Fine go play your games." He then gets mad, "Why do you have to be like that, why do you have to get mad at me?". I was so mad and he was ticked too. We then hung up still mad. twenty minutes later he calls me telling me that he wants to break up. I was so confused. I asked why. He said that we weren't happy anymore and that we should just break up. Oh yeah, I didn't mention that this was the day before his surgery. You see he has trouble swallowing because his esophagus doesn't work the way it should. It doesn't open and close when it is supposed to.  
18 December 2009 @ 05:22 am
 O w O
Finals are over! YAYE 3 WEEK BREAK!!!!! I'm so bored and kinda tired.......> w >
Oh Yeah, the memory card to my Tales of Symphonia game got corrupted. T w T. I have to get everything all over again. Also I see that my emo-cons aren't working. Damn, if only I could remember that password to my account.
Post-backs please? 
So lonely here lol! xD
Current Location: Home
Current Mood: calmcalm
Current Music: ナイトメア - Lost in Blue